Right before Christmas, I made a pretty big decision: I told my employers that I would not be returning to the agency after my maternity leave ended (in early February). They were incredibly supportive, as always, and I felt quite relieved when it was all finalized but I still struggle with my decision.
{last day of work before mat leave}
I loved my life before the baby arrived. I was fulfilled, busy and happy. Like many new moms, adjusting to my new life after Theo was born was very difficult. I mourned my old lifestyle - so carefree, so few responsibilities! However, I have fallen in love with this new life of ours. As exhausting as it may be, I have embraced my new role as a mother and I've surprised myself with how much I'm enjoying being at home (although this certainly took a while and I still have days when I have serious cabin fever). I certainly miss creative brainstorms, collaborating with talented people and having adult conversation all day long but for me, nothing tops being around Theo at this pivotal time in his life. And ultimately, this realization helped me make up my mind.
I've caught myself justifying this choice to friends who don't have children for fear that they'll think I'm lazy or old-fashioned for choosing to stay home. Why is that? I've realized that I'm projecting my own insecurities onto others and that I have to stand behind my choice. I left benefits, a good salary and a career that had momentum. I know that this decision doesn't mean that I won't have any of these things again but it's hard not to feel like you're walking away from one life and exchanging it for another. This stupid concept of "having it all" makes us feel like we're failing in every aspect of our lives because it's based on the notion that you can work and have a family at the same time and that this is the key to fulfillment. But what if you don't want kids? Or what if you choose to stay home and not work? It's very tricky to listen to your gut and block out outside pressures. I struggle with this quite a bit. I want to "have it all" - but I think that my "all" is my family. The other stuff is a bonus that weaves its way in and around my real priorities. I continuously have to remind myself that professional titles and financial stability are not a part of my new definition of success. Goals are more straightforward and a successful day can be determined by how many times I make my kid giggle. It may sound boring as hell to some but to me it's refreshing and incredibly grounding.
I feel very fortunate to even have the luxury
of having the option to stay home with Theo for a little while longer. I know that for many families, this is not financially feasible and going back to work often happens way before the parent is ready. Financially, this will be quite an adjustment for us and we are still unclear about how we'll make it work but we've decided to give it a try. I mean we
have to make it work now so I am confident that we will. Mike is taking on extra contracts and I am working on setting up some things so that I can work from home (very excited to fill you guys in on these plans of mine!!). But in the meantime, we are pretty anxious about the unknown. What a roller coaster ride this whole baby thing is.
What about you? How do you define "having it all"?
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34 comments:
My mom says you can "have it all" just not at the same time! If you look at it like that you never feel like your missing anything;)
Great post!
A beautifully written post! Having it all means so many things to different people. Cheers to you on your new journey.
I agree, you can't have it all at the same time - without driving yourself insane. I struggle daily and my oldest is 7. I'm at a crossroads now where I just want to work less and be present. I need to just breathe and go for it. right?
"This stupid concept of "having it all" makes us feel like we're failing in every aspect of our lives because it's based on the notion that you can work and have a family at the same time and that this is the key to fulfillment." Je pense que ça veut tout dire. Merci de partager, c'est beau et inspirant. Bonne chance pour la suite !
Such a big decision! I struggle with this idea as well. I grew up with a stay-at-home mom and I have a hard time imagining raising our boy with both of us having full-time busy careers. But I also feel guilty not returning to work... as if I am also indebted to society. It's really hard - no impossible - to have it all.
For your own happiness, I think staying at home is wonderful... as long as you maintain those projects (as you do) that define you as an individual and not just as a mother.
xo
having it all is the last picture of your post. well written...
Je suis d'accord avec le commentaire de Ariane. Je crois qu'il existe de multiples façons mener une vie heureuse et que notre instinct est notre meilleur guide. Theo est chanceux d'avoir un père et une mère qui se supportent l'un et l'autre. Profite du temps que tu pourras passer avec lui.
I agree with the general consensus that it's simply too hard to "have it all" at one time, but my idea of what this and what success is, has also changed since having a baby. I thought for sure I'd continue with college after having a baby and work towards a career I'd love, but suddenly I began doubting that and realized I really just wanted to focus on being a mom and take some time to discover just what I wanted my life to be, rather than rushing a degree in something that might make decent money, but might not bring me true happiness.
I agree with you Heather - it really depends on your own definition of the term. That's actually what that term was meant to represent in the first place: women should be able to choose.
good for you for listening to your instincts!
Congratulations !
Every time I go to my yoga class, I use to pick a paper thinking in a little cup on the front desk and the last one I picked says "Ressens la peur et fais-le quand même". I just wanted to share it with you... :)
I haven't ever commented on here before, but I've been reading your blog for quite sometime and after reading this post I just had comment because so much of what you said rings true for me. A friend once said to me that, you can have it all, but just not all at once, or all at the same time. These words have been a bit of a mantra for me at this point in my life at home with my boys. When I start to doubt my choice, or worry about our future, I think of these words and they ground me. I also think that sometimes when you struggle with thoughts of equality and feminism, it is also validating to know that you are at home, because it is where you have chosen to be, not because it is your assigned role.
Ultimately though, I don't think there is a parent who ever looks back and feels like they shouldn't have spent so much time with their babies!! They are only little for such a short time! Enjoy your babe!
You sum it up well when you say "This stupid concept of "having it all" makes us feel like we're failing in every aspect of our lives because it's based on the notion that you can work and have a family at the same time and that this is the key to fulfillment."
This is something that I think about all the time. The problem for me is that, even when I recognize this for the "stupid concept" that it is, I still feel the pressure very, very strongly to figure out a way to do both. And although I theoretically like the idea of pursuing different goals at different life stages, I perceive that in order to actually advance in my career, I can't afford to take a break - so I do feel the pressure to do both simultaneously and I can't see how to feasibly do it.
Thanks for raising the issue - I think it is something that women of our generation need to discuss more openly and more often. We have to figure a way to deal with this in order to actually benefit from the feminist movement. Otherwise, we risk constantly and undeservedly feeling as though we've failed, which was never the goal of giving women more opportunities.
Good for you for thinking critically about this issue and deciding what is right for you - developing and acting upon your own definition of success is definitely key to dealing with this dynamic.
Good for you!
Tu es choyéeoir un mari qui te supporte dans cette décision!
Profites-en!
J'admire ta capacité à assumer tes choix et rejeter ces "outside pressures" (plus facile à dire qu'à faire !). Ton post m'amène vraiment à remettre en considération pas mal de mes pensées (clichés ?), moi qui du haut de mes 23 ans ne jure que par "jamais je ne serai une femme au foyer"... mais qui sait ce que la vie me réserve ?!
En tous cas, bonne chance pour ton nouveau "style de vie" et hâte d'en savoir plus sur tes futurs projets !
Well said. I have been both a working mom and (am now) a stay at home mom to my 5 yr old and 2 yr old. Both have many ups and downs. When I was working, I wanted to be home. And now I have many days when I am jealous that my husband gets to go to work. But I keep reminding myself that this is such a short period and soon they will be older and independent, right now having their mom close by is so important.
Like you, I quit my job before Christmas so that I would not have to return to work early Feb (Feb 7th was the dreaded return to work date). I have a degree, had a well paying corporate job, and ambitions. But in the end, what was important was the happiness for me and my family. When I put it simply like that - what will make me happy and what will make me miserable - the choice was clear (allthough I still struggled). Outside pressure was huge. Being a stay at home mom doesn't seem like the hip choice. I don't have any other friends who stay at home. But, in the end it's right for me, and I'm sticking to it. It's refreshing to see others with the same opinions, and feelings. Thanks.
I can't thank you enough for sharing your own stories and support. It is very comforting! Thanks, Marie-Eve xo
Ma petite a 3 mois maintenant et je ne peux plus m'imaginer retourner travailler à l'automne. Tu es très chanceuse de pouvoir faire ce choix, je t'envie beaucoup!
Good for you! I chose to stay at home as well and I know how you feel. I think it's mainly the pressure from others, that makes us struggle. Deep inside your heart you know that this is what you want to do - for now - and this is all that matters. We tend to focus too much on what other people say, at least I do. And I believe that you can have it all, but just not at the same time. Now is the time to focus on your beautiful boy, because he will only be that little for a short period of time. That doesn't mean that you can't have a career later on. Be proud of yourself for listening to your heart and enjoy every moment! :)
PS I LOVE your blog!
Beautifully written, you are the voice of so many women out there. Thank you LJ oxox
As your (now former) boss, I will miss you. As your friend, I am excited for you. And as a feminist, I am proud of you. I think 'trying to having it all' is nothing next to loving exactly what you've got. xo
I think your post is great and I think it's great you are staying home with your baby. But I do have one negative response when I read something like this. When you make this type of statement: "I mourned my old lifestyle - so carefree, so few responsibilities!" Women who don't have kids have plenty of responsibilities. BTW one of mine is taking care of my aging mother's needs - which my siblings who chose to have kids can't seem to make time for. I applaud your decision and I know it comes from a place of love. But just because people can't or choose not to have children they don't have lots of responsibilities. It's a different set.
@D: I apologize if it seems as though I was generalizing. I really was referring to "MY old lifestyle" and not to every working woman's. I would never even attempt to make that kind of generalization because, as you explained, everyone has their own complications and issues that they have to deal with. It just so happened that I was lucky in the year before Theo was born to have very few of them hence the harsh adaptation when the little one arrived.
I am very sorry to hear that you have had a difficult time and I completely agree with your point - no children certainly does not equate no responsibilities.
Thank you for bringing up this point.
- Marie-Eve
Great post! Although kiddos are not in the picture for me yet, everything you wrote about it stuff I already think of.
Also, even though the circumstances are TOTALLY different, when you said you had to justify it to your friends and you were projecting insecurities, it made me think of the episode in Sex and the City where Charlotte tells Miranda "I choose my choice! I choose my choice!" -- random :)
we made the same decision after having kiddo one (almost 9 years ago, wowza!). like you, I'm thankful to be able to have had the option, but I had to deal with friends and family questioning our decision. it's hard and sad that I had to defend my decision but it was SO right for us and it's all I wanted to do! kudos to you and yes, you will make it work.
Let me just add, if I may, that aside from the discussion about "having it all," you are doing the one most important thing there is to do--raising one member of our next generation. Sure, someone might have "VP of this and that" or "Creative Director here and there" on their business card. And, they may make a lot of money doing so. But if you had a business card it would say "Mother. Most important job on the planet." Look around at all of the mess in today's world. Who thinks we can't use more dedicated mothers and fathers.
You shouldn't feel sheepish, defensive or any other emotion. When people ask "what do you do?" tell them that "you are making a difference." Let's see anyone top that...
:)
I'm so excited for you to be home full-time with Theo!:) I worked full-time before my baby boy and knew that I couldn't do it anymore after having only 6weeks of maternity leave. I dropped to 24 hour work weeks recently but still struggle finding 'me'.
I feel like I'd feel better not working at all. I, too, feel strange and oddly lazy/ashamed/embarrassed to tell someone I'm working "part-time". I feel like I lost bragging rights the minute I cut hours. I was no longer 'doing it all'. Now I just work a little and stay home with my baby.
I'm still figuring out what's going to be fulfilling to me BUT right now...I love every second of the time I get to be home with Homer. Very lucky are we to be there for our little boys:)
Thanks for sharing...I could really relate to how you were feeling about the change from no baby...to baby:)
Timely post - I'm going back to work soon after nine months of leave (my husband also took leave with us so we were all home for a couple months). This is a multi-layered discussion and ultimately, no one thing is going to suit every body. Some people don't have the choice, so the discussion ends there.
For us, my husband wasn't comfortable with being the only person with a salary even if we can comfortabley live off his salary alone (too much pressure and then what if he looses his job?), and I wasn't comfortable with the loss of earning potential and the gaps in my CV (but then again, I'm not in a 'creative' work field, but rather in banking/finance, where gaps in works are a very bad thing indeed and working from home isn't an option).
And, most importantly, staying at home just isn't for me. While I love my daughters more than life itself, I'm a better mother, a better wife, and a better person when I'm at work. So for me, I'm looking forward to my start date in a couple weeks.
The most important thing, is that we all have a choice and that we are supportive (in an ideal world) of another person's choice - whatever that may be.
All the best with your projects; I look forward to reading about them. With a hot cup of coffee, from my desk at work. :)
@Isabelle: Thanks for sharing your story. It's a great perspective and I love how you put this: "the most important thing is that we all have a choie and that we are supportive..." That is what having it all is all about! Good luck with getting back to work!
♥ Such great news, Marie-Eve!
I love Dalia's mum's comment: you can have it all but not all the same time.
I took some more time off with #2 (he is going to be 17 months when I go back to work part-time) and I couldn't have done it any other way. I am actually going back in a coupel weeks and I am quite scared but we don't need to discuss this here ;-)
You should be proud of yourselves for making the decision. Everyone says it but it's true: They grow up SO QUICKLY and then, then they are not little people anymore. and they don't want to hang out with you or cuddle anymore ;-) so make the most of it!
Marie xxx
I agree with Dalia!
Funny because I often think (or stress!) about how different my routine and life will be once the kiddies come along (sooner than later). Felt like I was talking to myself when reading your post.
Here's an article I suggest you read written by Anne-Marie Slaughter
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/
Thanks for sharing :)
After our first son, I was racing to get back to work when my mat leave was over! I've had a heavy heart since going back to work after leave with our second son. It's a daily struggle. While I find my work fulfilling, I find myself longing to be at home with my boys. I think both choices are brave and both have their drawbacks (career-wise, etc). We are fortunate that we have excellent childcare. Good for you for making the decision to stay home! All the best!
I fully agree with Isabelle.. I think we as women need to be supportive of other women's decisions...
After my four month maternity leave, I really wanted to get back to work, and I truly feel I am a better mother to my boy because I get to spend some time (I work 5/6 hours daily) doing something that really fullfils me.
My decision has been questioned sometimes... but I stand by it. It is what works for me and my family.
I wish you the best of luck, and congratulate you on your decision
xoxo
Tina
good for daddy and baby . I see a lot of delicious food in house in future :)
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